Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.  ~ Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

In our practice we are asked to give our clients specific strategies to improve relationships. Relationships are complex because we all bring so much of our past to the present. Through years of research and experience, however, we have found there are a few basic, but essential characteristics of successful partnerships. We would like to share them with you.

Love and approval : Those are the two most fundamental elements all of us crave in life. We want to be loved and affirmed for who we are. That’s why it’s so important to make sure your partner feels it. Be generous with praise and limit criticism to times when it’s really necessary. Then give the feedback nicely. Find things that your partner does and express gratitude. And make certain that your partner knows that you need the same in return.

Kindness : There’s a popular phrase that says “Because nice matters.” And it does. This is often overlooked in family relationships, but it’s probably one of the most important elements in having any type of successful relationship. We’re barraged with negatives in the world. Why add to it? Be kind to one another. Compliment each other, tell your partner why you love him or her, do him a favor without being asked, or go to a movie that she wants to see. It will do wonders for your relationship.

Pay attention : One of the most common complaints we hear in therapy is “I feel like I’m taken for granted.” When a relationship is new, it’s difficult to stop thinking about the other person. We all know what it feels like to obsess about when you will see him again, or the phone rings and you hope it’s her. But after we settle in and are comfortable with one another, we get used to each other. And with that, we have a tendency to take each other for granted. To improve communication in a relationship, you need to think about the other person and pay attention to his or her needs and desires.

Give a little effort : How many times do we have to hear that relationships take work? But simply put, they do. The rub is that it takes consistent work and when you stop putting out the effort, the relationship starts to backslide. Again, think back to the beginning of your relationship. Try to give 25% of that energy into your partnership now, and you’ll get much more back in return. Most importantly, spend time together. Hire a baby-sitter. Go out together, do things you both enjoy. If you don’t enjoy the same activities, take turns and don’t grumble about the garden show. You can pick the action film next time. Make sure you have fun together.

Love means saying you're sorry (a lot) : When the book Love Story came out in the 70s, the adage “love means never having to say you’re sorry” came into vogue. It’s not true. Apologies and forgiveness are cornerstones of every successful relationship. Practice both because you’re going to need to do it frequently.

Things aren’t always equal : There are times that you have to give more than you get. There are times you give more than you take. The key though is that is at other points your partner has to give more to you. It’s like taking turns. Once in awhile things might be 50-50, but when there is a crisis in your mate’s life, it may have to be 70-30 for a time and vice-versa. No one ever promised that life would be easy or fair, so learn to compromise.

Remember that you’re in this together : Habits that once seemed quirky and sweet can suddenly drive you up a wall when you’re living with someone. But then again, it goes both ways. No one’s perfect, so pick your battles. Reserve your energy for the important things. If it doesn’t matter in the big scheme, let it go. You may be surprised and end up closer.

Develop humor because you’re going to need it : Studies prove that on average people who laugh, live longer. Let’s face it, life is bizarre. Having a sense-of-humor when things are going south can make a big difference in your perspective. See the absurd, notice irony, and lighten up. You might extend your life and have a better time along the way.

Grow together : How many times do you hear divorcing couples say, “We just grew apart.”? Often what it means is that one person kept developing and the other didn’t keep up. Life is not static. We change and grow, hopefully. Do new things together. Talk about your goals, plans and dreams. And listen to what is of interest to your partner.

Deal with finances early : Money truly is the number one topic about which couples argue. If one of you is a spender and one a saver, there is going to be problems. Ideally, couples would get financial planning help before they enter a relationship. Yet, even if you’ve been together for years, it’s not too late. This is an area where compromise is key.

Divide work fairly : There is no reason that men can’t cook or women change the oil. But it certainly helps if we get to pick tasks we enjoy. If you prefer to grocery shop and he likes to mow the grass so be it. If you like to do the laundry and she prefers to shovel snow, there’s no problem. Resentments arise when the workload is out of balance. When tasks become overwhelming to one person, and the other isn’t pulling his or her weight, bitterness naturally sets in. Divide and conquer is the best way to handle work’ and when it comes to the tasks you both hate, try doing them together. It could end up being more enjoyable than you think, and it will take half the time. If you have children, get them in on the chores early.

Keep your own interests and friends : Keeping your own identity, staying connected with others, being independent are all ways to take care of yourself. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and makes us much more interesting people to our significant others and family members. Plus talking to others can relieve stress and take off some everyday life pressure.

When the going gets tough, don’t give up . People often go looking for something else. Affairs are based on the faulty premise that the grass is greener on the other side. Yet, statistics prove that second marriages have even higher divorce rates than first. Working through the tough, boring, sad times may create much less strife for you and everyone involved.

Get help from a professional : Seek assistance in a timely manner. Couples counseling can help you to improve communication, resolve conflicts, and bring a different perspective to problems. At some time or another most marriages or partnerships can benefit from therapy. Psychotherapy is indicated for many issues:

• Changes in life events
• Drug or Alcohol problems
• Parenting issues
• Divorce or remarriage
• Sexual problems
• Mental health or physical health issues
• Employment difficulties including unemployment
• Financial disagreements
• Communication
• Infidelity
• Personality problems
• Anger/hostility

Know when it’s time to leave : Sometimes things don’t work out. If you’ve given it your best effort, it may be time to end or at least change the relationship. If children aren’t involved, ending the relationship may be the best. If there are children involved, get help so the transition is as smooth as possible. Your children need to be prepared and allowed to express their feelings. Even older children and adult children have trouble when their parents decide to split. An experienced professional will help everyone through the transition. No matter what, your life is connected with your partner’s, when you have a family. So it’s essential to keep communication open and your relationship civil at the very least.

Stay safe : If there is physical, emotional, or sexual violence of any type, find a safe place to go immediately. This applies to women and men. Note the red flags in relationships and don’t deny or overlook them. Listen to the voice inside that is telling you that things are not right. Trust yourself and talk to someone who will listen and validate your experience. If you are allowing yourself to become more isolated, are feeling controlled, or forgiving transgressions that shouldn’t be ignored, seek help. Abuse is unacceptable in any form.

Who benefits from relationship therapy: No relationship is perfect, but at one time or another everyone goes through difficult times. We bring our own perspectives, values, and issues into every relationship. At the same time that those differences bring interest and richness to our lives, they also bring tensions and create problems.

As life begins to become more pressured and complex, communication can falter and the other person may seem more irritating than loveable. Without paying attention to these small cracks in the relationship, the foundation can soon crumble. Problems in a relationship affect everything from family to work to physical and emotional health.

Seeking help early on can be the difference between your relationship succeeding and failing. In fact, research proves that people who go through pre-marital counseling have more success, and seek help earlier when problems arise.

You don't need to have a problematic relationship to seek therapy. Relationship therapy also helps couples reinforce what they already have going for them. Counseling can add richness and depth to the union. Relationship therapy is not reserved for couples, however. Counseling can help many relationships, including family members of different generations, adult siblings, step-parents and children blending families, gay and lesbian partners, mothers and daughters, best friends, or even co-workers. Ayd and Cavanagh have the education, training and experience to help you through challenging times.

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